I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
