He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize