can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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