Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
