I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
