Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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