Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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