I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
