The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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