party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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