I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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