sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
