i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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