what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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