This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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