He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Boobs are out for the taking
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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