I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
