Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
