Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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