I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
