Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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