Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
