And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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