Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
