My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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