I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
