my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
