i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
