Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
