and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
