good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
