True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
