We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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