I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
