No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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