I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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