dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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