she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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