Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
