u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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