Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
