I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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