guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so let's talk penis.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
