apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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