Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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