Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
