How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
