My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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