ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
