How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think I won the penis lottery.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
